Letting Go Of Resolutions

 

Another year has come to pass.  At the beginning of this year, I made a list of things I wanted to make myself do, mostly music related......like putting oneself out there.  Ha!  It always feels silly in this day and age for a mature adult to be putting himself out there, along with the millions of peacocker's grasping for their 15 minutes of fame.  

I woke up thinking of Warhol today and New York.  Last night I went to the theatre to see the new Bob Dylan film and I really enjoyed it.  I remember pulling up to Bonnarro music festival in our van with my band and Bob was right there in the back stage area before us about to go onstage.  It was surreal.  All I had done in the three years leading up to this moment, was grind out my first record So Long.  I had barely played live and here I was before the music messiah and I had 9 songs to my name and was about to play live.  People talk about imposter syndrome, but this was a crazy experience for me.  I didn't grow up playing music.  I just loved music and albums and artist for so long and I finally started buying equipment and was insanely curious to see what was in me.  

Of course when I was younger I would have taken the fame, but I was about 30 by the time I signed with Atlantic and was too wise to not see the pageantry before me.  I didn't want a life of smoke and mirrors.  I wanted to really make art, unaffected by artifice.  This morning we woke up and watched our usual Sunday morning show.  There was a woman talking about resolutions and letting go of our entanglements of the past and the anxious future.  My past does tie me up in knots.  I know I did the right thing as I have finally chased the imposter inside of me away.  Now I stand firm in knowing that I put the work in, and find myself in a sea of posers.  In a way, Dylan was a poser.  He is a great artist but he was damn good at posing and playing the game.  I think he really loved the attention.  I remember in my label years, meeting artists and noticing certain ones had this thing about them that strung people along.  Those people scared me.  They felt insanely self centered and self important.  Kind of like Ricky Henderson talking about himself in the third person. It all seemed silly to me.  I could have poked my chest out and faked it and made millions or I could duck out into the wild and find my art.  

Last Sunday, we played our annual Christmas concert in Lafayette and it felt like a prayer.  I never really had a goal with my music path.  None other than to find my art and meaning beyond success and recognition.  My friend Lane was there taking pictures and he helped me to see what I'm doing in a new light.  It's very micro but I believe the guy at the microphone.  That to me is success.  This year I hope to find the courage to lean in to the mic a bit more in the silly noise of the world.  Hoping to make a difference.  Happy New Year.  I'm ending it with a 8.5 handicap in golf.  It's been nice since moving to Lafayette after years in New York and New Orleans, where I pretty much gave up playing golf.  It's sunny today, I may go tee it up.  Much love.  

 

"Greetings To The End of Summer"

 

Greetings to you and the end of summer.  It's hot as hell here in Louisiana but I always love the optimism of the approach of fall.  I haven't really touched my guitar in a month or so.  Well I have to record some things, but I put away my catalog of songs for a bit.  It's like that for me from time to time.  I see these bands that tour constantly and a part of me is envious but I know all too well the realities of that world.  It's not always easy working for the man or the machine.  

These days, when I'm not playing music, I work on houses and gardens with my ear buds in listening to podcasts or records.  It's not exactly like I drew it all up when I moved to NY back in the day but there have been many surprises that have come my way that I didn't plan for.  

I never dreamed I'd become friends with the folks writing me.  I started answering emails and rethinking how music was going to be in my life and it is kind of working.  I like it and I like them.  So many different folks out there that feel familiar to me and Margaret.  Another thing that is staring to happen is artists are reaching out to me to collaborate and produce their records.  I'm in the middle of one now for an artist in Atlanta called "Weston J".  It's his first record and I know all too well what it's like trying to do that for the first time.  It's hard to trust but if you find the right people, it's easier.  And he loves my catalog, so it has been really fun and inspiring for both of us.  I'm reminded why I got into music in the first place.  I love the studio and the act of recording a time capsule.  I love sound.  

I came on to write today to say hi.  I don't write enough these days for the public as I've been doing some private journaling lately.  I see the numbers and people are reading blogs still, I guess, so I figured I'd say hi.  I've been doing the work, trying to tap into some of my traits of when I was 27 and moved to NY.  I was very brave and had a lot of wisdom to leave my hometown and a very cushy existence to find my art.  I had audacity to buy a bunch of equipment and to learn how to use it all to make "So Long".  I feel like there is a lot of noise in the world now, with social media, politics and especially in music.  But I know that I'm on the top of my game and that someday, I'll get what I need for my music path to open up just a bit.  In the meantime, you'll have to find me.  I won't be the guy hooping and hollering for your attention on a big stage.  Not my style.  

"Catching Up With An Introvert"

Greetings from Lafayette, Louisiana.  At times lately, I feel a little bored living in a smaller city but it has afforded me a better lifestyle.  I've allowed myself to get back into golf, cars and gardening.  When I moved to New York and dedicated myself to all things music, it took giving up a lot.  It was hard watching my friends do all the things, while I sat at home reading manuals and practicing instruments and reading literature.  I had moved to the city with a nice chunk of money that afforded me time to focus and I was militant and didn't waste a second.  It's how "So Long" was born, but I'm not here to talk about that.

Lately, I've been restoring houses to make some money so I can continue to keep music precious.  I'm just not a gig-er.  I quickly learned in the music industry that the musician is at the bottom of business plan and have spent the past ten years rethinking how I was going to have music in my life.  I've enjoyed getting more comfortable playing solo/duo shows but I am missing playing with a band.  When I started touring again, I made it a business first and that meant eliminating most of the expenses that come along with touring.  Musicians, hotels, transportation....all those things add up and make it really hard to start a business.  That's how I ended up in a van.  I wanted to enjoy the process and actually see the places I tour to. 

I'm not here to talk about that either.  Lately, while painting I listen to podcast.  I love Eckhart Tolle, Rick Rubin's "Tetragrammaton", Founders, and The Mental Golf Show.  It's like mental floss.  I don't know if you noticed, but I tend to get in my own way.  In golf, one must swing freely without over thinking or guiding the club.  You must pick a target and trust it and let it rip.  It's very zen actually and relates to all things in life.  When I listen to the podcast, they are talking about golf but all I can think about is my relationship to my music path.  I'm learning to let it rip.  It's not easy being judged.  It's not easy in an a dying industry either.  There's no way they are going to put me on a tour bus and not pay me and make me look famous again.  It's all smoke and mirrors and I'm done.  That's why I play in my back yard and in peoples living rooms and get face to face.  I'm not the play to the back row in the stadium kind of guy.  I'm not a ham.  I don't like ham really, or hams.  It's weak and egoic and not healthy.  

So, I've been wrestling with the mind and grabbing it by the throat.  During the pandemic, Margaret and I read "A New Earth" every morning by the fire.  I miss Covid sometimes.  I liked being shut down.  Margaret was chasing snail trails in the yard and was just being.  Those shows we did 10 weeks in a row were special.  I couldn't believe how many people were showing up for us.  It really made me realize that my work is getting out there.  I want to connect more than I want huge crowds.  It would be nice to play more music than restoring houses and I'm working on finding ways to do that.  

I love the feeling of restoring something.  I don't really like doing exteriors but I love this house so much, I agreed to do it.  I like the feeling of taking baby steps and doing good work.  It's what I've been doing all along in music.  I didn't grow up playing music and discovered a talent in college.  It was soothing on the first night in the piano labs learning the "Amazing Grace" melody on the black keys.  It brought tears to my eyes and something grabbed me and I knew I was going to commit to this.  Something was trying to come through but I had a huge rock to chisel.  

This is a pic from our "Marigny Opera House" show from last year.  If you would have told me in college that one day I would be up there in front of that crowd, I wouldn't have believed it were possible.  But the right people were put in my path.  People like Dr. Duncan MacMillan, who wouldn't let me quit and put a lot of work and belief in me in those days.  Of course there was all the tragedy's growing up that was the early fuel for my fire.  After sports, I needed to find something to let my roar out.  That night in the piano labs was it and I would be patient and find my way.  

After I was dropped by Atlantic Records, I let "So Long" go for a while because it was my first record and I didn't really know what I was doing.  When my cousin Patti Ann died, I went back and listened and realized it wasn't as heavy as I thought and that I somehow found joy through the trials.  I reminded myself of my old mamere, who had a hard life but was the most joyous person I've ever met.  I keep these things in mind, while we all struggle with these modern challenges.  Everything since the Trump years and Covid changed.  I don't like where the American mind is.  It's childish and egoic, really.  I want to do my part and don't want to bury my head in the sand.  There is a lot of noise out there in music.  I pray I can find a way for folks to find the taste for something that will feed them in a different way.  

Today I'm driving to New Orleans to see "Slowdive" tonight.  When we toured for "So Long", we listened to a lot of shoe gaze music.  Bands like "My Bloody Valentine", "The Cure", "Mazzy Star", and "Slowdive".  Our bass player in New Orleans used to play with them and we are meeting up tonight.  It will be cool to talk to them.  Please know that I am putting in the work but mostly making this stuff work for me and not me for it.  I hope you understand.  The new music we have going over here is a combination of everything that I've done and it's the most spiritual.  Paris is my number one city for online listeners.  I'm dying to get back over there and play again.  Bon Soir!

The Clash

 I must be honest, I was a little young and almost missed the music of The Clash but they ended up on some of the mixed tapes that were floating around the high school I went to just outside New Orleans.  I had the great fortune of going to a school closer to “The City”, and there was an underground movement happening in the small corners of the French Quarter in tiny clubs where one could hear a song and have to scream up to the DJ to desperately find out who it was.  And then the next day was a quest of going find the record. 

The New Wave movement coming out of the punk and post punk scenes changed the course of life for me and taught me how to dream and be myself and not be afraid of the unknown.  Most importantly it taught me to remain “DIY”.  I grew up watching my people just doing it themselves and succeeding and it kind of installed a chip on my shoulder to remain this way.  There’s no way Atlantic Records could have held onto me.  It was plastic. 

This little flag is flying in me as I picked up my guitar the other night to begin rehearsing music of The Clash for our show on Monday night at Chickie Wah Wah.  The music is a sword and I feel so comfortable in it.  There would be no Clash music without Reggae and there would be no Reggae without New Orleans.

Come cuddle up next to the root and help stir the pot.  Maybe this can lead us to something new.  

"Tales Of An Imposter"

It was an odd feeling to arrive in New York City with three bags, and a lot of hope that I could find something to put all my energy into.  Due to tragedies in life, I had a history of just going for it with no fear of the outcome.  I didn't know anyone in the city and it was spring and I moved into my new apartment in Chelsea.  My favorite thing about the city is just wandering around at night, downtown through the West Village to Soho and to my favorite, Cafe Gitane.  

I was in over my head, there were lots of successful, smart looking people hanging out and beautiful girls. I didn't really socialize much as I didn't want to tell anyone what I was up to in the city because then I would have to explain what I was up to and I didn't exactly know my plan.  I had gotten a few acting jobs in New Orleans and just like that, auditioned at Stella Adler and got in.  It was something to do and a place to land in the big city.  

I wandered around a lot and dreamed and read books for weeks without talking to many people and really didn't mind.  When school started it got easier and began meeting people and dating and all that.  It was very inspiring in those studios, over looking the city.  I was reinventing myself yet again and I've always been comfortable doing that.  Though I was comfortable, I did feel like an imposter.  I guess you have to be an imposter for a while until you figure out a path.  And then the great acting teachers began to look at me as if I had the greatest potential to reach the heights of former students like Brando or Pacino.  It was a good feeling to be seen as an artist by these older artists I admired.  It gave me wings actually to quit the school and buy more equipment and set out to make my first record.

Years later, when I'm on the 27th floor of Atlantic Records signing my first record deal, the feeling was still there.  As if to say, wow these folks are buying this, they believe me!  It's an odd thing really and no one talks about it.  The journey and finding ones place in the world.  I'm telling you this because maybe you see me as a musician, an artist and that it must have always been.  I tell you, it wasn't.  One must stand up and be brave and take the first step down strange paths.  There I said it.  You got this.  

I wonder what's inside you.  

 

"Integrity Of The Game"

 In high school, my coach told me I could throw the football farther into the wind due to the aerodynamics, and he did the sly, quick click on the stopwatch and made me believe I ran a 4.6.  I don't know if I ever really threw in the mid 80's on the mound, or if it was just a feeling.  An inner Bill Laimbeer that will take you down, no matter the speed.  

Yesterday I read a line of Rick Rubin's that said "Impatience is an argument with reality".  He's right!  It's a rugged fight really, being an artist.  There's no coach on the table, edging you on.  It's you in an empty room against the blank page and if you want it all now, well that's just too bad.  Deep breath!  

Tall tales don't really work to push the artist.  He must find himself, immersed in it.  As with golf, one must be present and have integrity.  One must have the honor of a soldier on the course, when in the bush he lies.  A triple, a quadruple bogey, put it on the card.  Dig your game out of the dirt! I dare you.  The golf gods are smiling upon you.  And trust me, they won't forget.  In this era of great posturing, you'll rest my friend. 

"So Long Letters " #1

 

It's true, I do love letters.  I like writing and taking the time to send out a letter here and there.  And I really appreciate the lovely emails I get from time to time from folks who love my first record "So Long". Sure it was disappointing that the record didn't get its proper promotion back in the day, but it did manage to make its way out into the world.  Often the stories people share say that so and so stole my only copy and I only have it on this one hard drive, etc.  These stories always show up when I need them to.  I don't make music to one day play stadiums and entertain the masses, I do this first for myself and my own healing and to connect on a deeper level.  

This message came in from Brooklyn yesterday and it's nice to be appreciated in a city that I love and adore.  The city where my creativity was born.  

Subject: So Long

Message: Hi! I don't usually write artists but this album was so important to me in high school. I let my parents give away all my CDs at some point between graduating in 2006 and now and thus this album was lost. I couldn't find it streaming anywhere and didn't own a CD player until I bought a used car last year after the birth of my son. My spouse has a collection of random old CD's and all i wanted was this album back, to share with my family on our antiquated cd player, in our shitty car. Today the first song on the album was on my spotify Release Radar playlist. I'm sitting at my desk with happy tears. This brings back so many memories. I feel like a piece of my life was put back together. I just wanted to say thank you for making music and posting this special album on Spotify. Music is so magical and this is hitting somewhere deep in my soul that I didn't know was hidden!